What would you say if your son or daughter came home from school and asked you whether everything they’ve heard about ICE is true?
Would you be ready for that conversation?
The short answer
Start by asking your child what they’ve already heard. Stay calm, keep it simple for their age, and be honest without making promises you can’t keep. Make sure they know they’re loved, that the grown-ups in their life have a plan, and that they can always come to you. Expect lots of small talks, not one big one.
A lot of parents wonder if their kids are ready to talk about ICE and deportations. You don’t want them feeling anxious or unsafe, or lying awake worried that your family will be separated. You may not be sure they’re mature enough to understand what’s going on. At the same time, you know they’ve probably already heard about ICE at school or online.
Why is it important to talk to your kids about ICE?
Children are less afraid, and cope better with scary events, when a trusted adult who loves them has prepared them. When we tiptoe around hard subjects, kids usually get more scared, not less. They fill in the blanks on their own, and what they imagine is often far worse than reality. They may think, “Mom and Dad are too afraid to talk about it, so it must be really, really bad.”
Why do parents avoid talking to their children about ICE?
Many adults assume a child isn’t anxious or afraid unless the child brings it up. But kids and teens often feel they need an adult’s permission to talk about their feelings. Older kids may hide their emotions so their parents won’t worry. And kids are sponges. No matter how young your child is, they can sense fear and tension at home, at school, at church, and in the news.
Some parents also hold off because they feel they need to have every answer first. You don’t. It’s fine to say, “I don’t know about that right now. But I promise to tell you when I find out.”
What are the signs your child is stressed about ICE?
Kids don’t always have the words to say they’re scared, so the stress shows up in other ways. Watch for:
- Physical complaints: headaches, stomachaches, not being hungry, or saying they feel too sick for school
- Regression: younger kids wetting the bed after being potty trained, or acting younger than their age
- Mood and behavior changes: mood swings, irritability, aggression, being unusually quiet, hiding in their room, clinginess, or fear of being apart from you
- Trouble at school: calls from teachers about skipped classes, broken rules, fights, or slipping grades
It’s easy to read some of this as rebellion. Usually it’s a child telling you they feel afraid and vulnerable. As their parent, you have the power to help them feel safe and more in control, and the best way to do that is to start an open, honest, gentle conversation.
How do you start a conversation with your child about ICE?
Your child doesn’t need you to have all the information. They need to know they’re safe, that they can talk to you about how they feel, that you have a plan if things change, and that they will always be loved. Your presence and kindness matter more than any perfect answer.
“The big talk” can feel daunting. In reality it will probably be a series of short conversations over time, especially with little ones. Let your child’s questions set the pace, and check in every few days to see what’s on their mind.
Pick a moment when you feel calm and focused. Go for a walk first, take a few deep breaths, or do something that relaxes you. Kids feel safer when they see you’re steady. When you’re ready, ask, “What do you know about ICE?” Finding out what they’ve heard at school or online tells you where to take the conversation.
How do you explain ICE to a child?
If your child answers, “I don’t know,” that’s your chance to explain it before they hear misinformation somewhere else. You could say:
“ICE is a group that works for the government. Their job is to check whether people have the papers they need to live in the U.S. Some families are scared of ICE because it can mean having to leave the country. Have you heard about people moving here from other countries?”
If your child already knows something, ask what they’ve heard and how it makes them feel. Gently correct anything that isn’t true, and let them know their feelings make sense.
Want more phrases you can use? See what to say to kids about ICE, and for older kids who want to read on their own, share our guide for kids worried about ICE.
How to talk to preschoolers (ages 3 to 6) about ICE
At this age, your main job is to help them feel safe, loved, and cared for. You can say, “Some families are being treated unfairly because of where they were born. You’re safe, and I’m here with you.”
Preschoolers often can’t put their feelings into words yet, so play and picture books are great ways to help them work through what they feel.
Comparisons to everyday life help with big ideas like laws and immigration papers. For example:
“Sometimes people have to wait their turn for things, even really important things. Remember when you waited in line for the swings at the park? There were lots of kids, so everyone had to wait. Some families are waiting in a very, very long line to get special papers that let them live here. Waiting in line doesn’t mean someone did something wrong. It just means the line is really long.”
If you or your child’s other parent is at risk of deportation, focus on reassuring them that another adult who loves them will take care of them. You might say, “I may need to leave for a while because of new rules in this country. If that happens, I will be so sad and miss you so much. While I’m gone, Tía Carmen will take care of you.”
Small children need routine to feel safe, so walk them through what a normal day would look like: “Tía Carmen will help you get ready in the morning, make you breakfast, take you to school, pick you up, make you a snack, read stories and play with you, make dinner, and tuck you into bed while I’m gone.”
How to talk to elementary-age kids (ages 7 to 12) about ICE
Kids this age often hide their feelings or act like nothing is wrong, because they don’t want to worry you. Keep starting conversations even if they seem bored or uninterested. They’re listening more than you think.
They’re ready for light conversations about family separation. Be honest without overwhelming them: “Some families are being separated right now because of immigration rules, and that’s not fair. It’s okay to feel sad or scared when you hear about it. Our family has a plan, and no matter what happens, there will always be grown-ups who love you and will take care of you.”
A school example can help explain why some families are still waiting on their papers:
“Imagine you turned in your permission slip for a field trip, but the office has so many slips to go through that they haven’t gotten to yours yet. You might have to stay at school while everyone else goes, even though you did everything right. That wouldn’t be fair, would it? That’s what it’s like for a lot of families right now. They’ve asked for their papers, and they’re still waiting for someone to say yes. Waiting doesn’t mean they did anything wrong.”
School-age kids are old enough to help with the family plan, and knowing there is one makes them feel safer. Sit down together and write a list of at least five adults they can turn to for help. Make sure your child knows these people well and trusts them.
Older kids and preteens are almost certainly hearing about ICE at school, and sadly some of it may be hurtful. They might hear immigrants called “criminals” or “bad people,” which can leave them confused or even ashamed. Gently correct it, and make clear that being undocumented says nothing about a person’s character:
“People need papers to be in the U.S., and many people like me are still waiting for ours. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means it takes a long time to get these papers. I might have to move to another country while I wait.”
You can also say, “It makes me sad that someone said that. Some people think the way a person looks, the language they speak, or where they come from decides how good or important they are. Those people are wrong.”
Remind your child as often as you can that they are just as valuable, important, and good as anyone else.
How to talk to teenagers about ICE
Teens see news, rumors, and graphic videos of ICE raids every day on Instagram and TikTok. Help them step back from it by encouraging sports, clubs, volunteering, art, writing, music, or advocacy. These give them a healthy outlet for what they’re feeling.
Offer to learn about immigration policy together by reading reputable news sources, going to a know-your-rights workshop, or visiting a local immigrant advocacy group. Even if your teen seems very mature, keep them away from violent footage of arrests or detention centers. It can take a real toll on their mental health and leave them anxious or depressed.
Teenagers are ready for deeper conversations about human rights, racism, xenophobia, and discrimination. Share your values, invite their questions, and let them form their own opinions.
Keep an eye on their mental health. If they suddenly seem irritable or withdrawn, gently ask how they’re doing. Admitting that you’re worried too can help them open up. If your teen is struggling, consider a counselor or youth psychologist. If they are ever in crisis, they can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Teens need more support than they let on. Help them connect with a trusted adult mentor, like a coach, teacher, relative, family friend, or church leader, who can be there if a parent is affected by deportation. A mentor can keep them on track and help them with decisions about school, work, and their future.
Teach your teen what to do if they come into contact with an ICE officer (our guide to your rights during traffic stops covers more):
- Stay calm and don’t run
- You have the right to stay silent
- Don’t sign anything, lie, or show false documents
- Ask to speak with a lawyer
- Call someone on your emergency contact list as soon as you can
Have them memorize key phone numbers and keep a written list of emergency contacts, including trusted relatives, close family friends, their mentor, and your family’s immigration attorney. The list should include at least one adult with legal status in the United States.
How do you include your kids in a family preparedness plan?
A family preparedness plan spells out what happens to your children if a parent is detained or deported. How much your kids are involved depends on their age, but every child benefits from knowing a plan exists. A good plan covers:
- Who will care for your children, and a list of backup adults they know and trust
- Emergency contacts your kids have memorized or keep with them
- Where passports, birth certificates, and other important documents are kept
- Legal paperwork that lets a trusted adult make decisions for your child, such as a power of attorney or standby guardianship (the forms are different in every state)
- What daily life and responsibilities will look like while a parent is away
With teens, go over the legal documents together and show them where emergency and travel documents are kept. They need to know where they will stay and what will be expected of them. They may need to help more with chores or with younger siblings. If so, remind them that they are still your child, and they will always be taken care of.
What should you not say to your child about ICE?
Parents sometimes say things meant to reassure that end up leaving kids more confused and anxious.
If your child says, “I’m afraid ICE will come and separate our family,” your instinct may be to answer, “That won’t happen to us.” It comes from love, but it’s false reassurance. It can also clash with what your child is seeing and hearing, which confuses them more.
Another one to avoid is, “Don’t worry about it. Think about something positive instead.” That brushes off their feelings and can make them think they’re wrong to be scared.
Instead, validate what they feel and make them feel heard. You don’t need the perfect response. Just try not to promise things about the future you aren’t sure you can keep, as hard as that is. Say this instead: “You’re not alone in this. People are trying to help, and I’m one of them. If you ever feel scared, we can talk about it together.”
You don’t have to do this alone
So, what would you say if your son or daughter came home tomorrow and asked you about ICE?
You don’t need a perfect script, and you don’t need every answer. What your child needs most is to know they can come to you with their questions and feelings, that your family has a plan, and that they’ll be loved no matter what happens.
These conversations are hard, and it’s normal to feel scared or overwhelmed yourself. Tonight, you might just ask, “What have you heard about ICE?” That one question can open the door to many honest, loving conversations that help your child feel safe, even now.
If you have questions about your family’s immigration situation or need help putting together a family preparedness plan, the team at Rivas & Associates is here for you. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.
Frequently asked questions about talking to kids about ICE
At what age should I talk to my child about ICE?
There is no age that is too young. Even preschoolers pick up on stress at home. What changes is how much detail you share. Kids 3 to 6 need reassurance and routine, kids 7 to 12 can handle simple, honest explanations, and teenagers are ready to learn their rights and help with the family plan.
How do I explain ICE to a young child?
Keep it short and simple. You can say, “ICE is a group that works for the government. Their job is to check whether people have the papers they need to live in the U.S.” Then tell your child they are safe, they are loved, and they can ask you anything.
What should I say if my child asks, “Will ICE take you away?”
Avoid promising “that won’t happen,” because you can’t be sure, and your child may not believe you. Try something like, “I’m doing everything I can to stay with you. If I ever had to be away for a while, Tía Carmen would take care of you, and I would never stop loving you.”
How can I tell if my child is stressed about ICE or deportation?
Watch for physical complaints like headaches, stomachaches, or not wanting to eat or go to school. Bedwetting in younger kids, mood swings, clinginess, pulling away, and trouble at school are also common signs. These changes are usually fear, not bad behavior.
Should I let my child watch news or videos about ICE raids?
Limit it, especially for younger kids. Even mature teenagers should not watch graphic videos of arrests or detention. If your child has already seen something upsetting, ask what they saw, how it made them feel, and correct anything that isn’t true.
What should my teenager do if they come into contact with ICE?
They should stay calm and not run. They have the right to stay silent, and they should not sign anything, lie, or show false documents. They can ask to speak with a lawyer and should call someone on their emergency contact list as soon as they can.
What is a family preparedness plan?
It is a written plan for what happens to your children if a parent is detained or deported. It covers who will care for them, how to reach them, where important documents are kept, and the legal paperwork that lets a trusted adult make decisions for your child. The forms are different in every state, so it is worth having an immigration attorney help you set it up.
Where can my family get help with our immigration situation?
Rivas & Associates helps immigrant families with offices in Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas. Our team can review your situation and help you build a preparedness plan. Contact us to schedule a consultation.
The guidance in this article draws on recommendations from social workers and child mental health professionals. It is general information, not legal advice. For advice about your family’s situation, speak with an immigration attorney.
